Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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