Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
