apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
