Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
