Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
