The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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