I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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