Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
