Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
