Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
