the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
