I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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