I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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