I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
