Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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