My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You were trust falling into bushes
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
