no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
