ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
