I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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