today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
