News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
