I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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