I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
