her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
