My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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