I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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