i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
