Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
