i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.