I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
