I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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