Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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