I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
