I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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