Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
