see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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