He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
