I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
