I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
