you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
