so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
