i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
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Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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