That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
