i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
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I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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