I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
