Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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