if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
