"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
