and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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