I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
