i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
