I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
