Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
