I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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