Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
