I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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