3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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